---

        “Who are you (thee)?” — a very ordinary question. Whenever an aged person is met, he asks this very question to the comparatively younger one. I too have faced this question many times so the answer automatically came out from my lips at once — “I am Amitabha Roy”. “Oh that is your name only, I am asking you, who are you?”. I wondered hearing the reply. I have never heard such strange words at the first meeting. I couldn’t say anything more, got afraid a bit; if now I point this body then he might reply with something else. I thought it is better to remain silent; otherwise I will be trapped with my own words. Then he himself started talking, “You are wearing this shirt and speaking — my shirt. That means you and your shirt are not the same thing. You are speaking — my name; that means you and your name are not the same thing.” By this time I have understood, I don’t have the answer with me but he has. The question is too interesting that I thought, I won’t let him escape, I have to know the answer from him. It’s a question of fun — “Who am I?”

        Learning of a new subject Vedanta has been started. Sravana, Manana, Nididhyasana. Words of Vedanta are to be listened minutely from the mouth of Guru. Latter those words of Guru are to be thought whether true or not sitting alone. If listening to the words of Vedanta and thinking about those are practiced regularly then sometimes those thoughts take an uninterrupted form. An uninterrupted and spontaneous thought of Vedanta is Nididhyasana. There are enormous powers in the words of Vedanta. After reading from a book or after listening from any person if one forgets those even then sometimes in the future that floats in the mind and starts its action. But if the words of Vedanta have been listened from the mouth of Guru then it starts its action immediately. Truth of the words of Vedanta has been felt by many persons from age to age, this is a fact tested and realized many times. Yet, knowing about the realization of truth from somebody else I cannot heartily accept those till I do not realize the truth by my own reasoning. May be I have failed to argue and had to accept it as true, but there always remains a distance between me and the truth. So Manana is required. Thinking about the truthfulness of the words of Vedanta by my own intelligence is Manana. By regular practice that thought sustains for long and becomes strong. Gradually this thought continues for round the clock during the day and night also. This is Nididhyasana. The matured state of Nididhyasana is Samadhi or the realization of knowledge. Then there remains no distance between me and the truth. There remains no conflict, no contradiction, and no confusion. ‘vidyate hridaygranthi chidyante sarvasamshayah’. It is realized — I indeed am knowledge, I indeed am truth.

        But what I should do to realize that truth? And from where shall I start? Suddenly a piece of writing over an old white paper at the corner of the prayer hall came in my sight – “Think your thought”. These words are strange. Reading once these words adhere with the mind like gum. Everyone feels interested in learning a new subject. I also started reading. Awaken, dream and deep slumber. Awaken is no new thing, while sitting-standing-moving-walking everything around me is known to me. And everybody feels happy dreaming a good dream, dreaming a bad dream everybody feels sad. All of us want to dream good dreams. But what is that deep slumber? A deep sleep, where there are not even dreams. I resolved that there is more happiness in deep slumber than dream. During long deep sleep till morning, I don’t need to be aware of anything. Ah! Completely fresh I become. I am awake. I am dreaming. I am sleeping in deep sleep. I am in all three states. Reasoning started in my mind – is there only one I or different I’s. While awaken I have understanding, sensibility, can distinguish between good and bad and I accept my limitations too. I remain fully aware of space, time and causality. The opposite is in dream. In dream I can hear a thrilling story from my dead grandfather with a friend actually residing in Kolkata and a friend actually residing in Mumbai together sitting inside the jungle of Africa yester night. At that moment that is equivalently true like reality. When I wake up, I realize that grandfather is no more – and those two friends of mine have never met each other and there is neither the possibility of meeting after going inside the jungle of Africa. When I realized the falsehood of the dream, I forgot that in no time too. It is now clear that the I of awaken state was making some wrong and illogical thoughts; it is never two I’s. Again, I could not understand anything in deep slumber, felt no happiness, felt no sadness. Then what happened? Only after waking up I am saying – I slept a very good sleep yester night. Had it been somebody else’s deep slumber I would not have been able to say this. Therefore in these three states there is only one I. In these three states only I verily was there. There had never been my absence, neither it is being. Only I cannot catch myself, I cannot find myself, I cannot realize myself.

        I am seeing the statue of my God. I am, the statue is, and also is the action seeing. Seer-scene-seeing. During the seeing I have to accept the existence of myself first, because I am the doer of seeing. If I am not there then who will see? If it was somebody else’s seeing then my unawareness of the seeing still sustains. In the way to find myself, I am knowing Vedanta. I am, Vedanta is, and also is there knowing. Knower-knowable-knowledge, this is called ‘trio’. ‘I do not know Vedanta’ and ‘I know Vedanta’ – only one I is in these two. I remaining unchanged my horizon of knowledge has expanded. Intense desire to know or jnana-vritti being emerged from inside me is going till the outer objects and again coming back to me it makes me free from ignorance. Vritti (intense desire) is also one, vritti which is outward the same vritti is becoming inward. Because objects are inactive, objects have no power to change the vritti. That means, without anything coming from outside, I became wise from ignorant. Hence knowledge was already present inside me. So knowledge is also unavoidable. Therefore it has been seen that there are two objects – ‘I’ and ‘Knowledge’. Are there two truths? Now the conflict is with two distinct, unavoidable and existent objects? I am. Also the knowledge is. How to destroy this conflict? At this very point Guru or the words of the scriptures say – those two are actually one object. ‘Prajnanam Brahman’ (I am Knowledge). I indeed am knowledge or knowledge is verily I – this realization is verily known as Brahma-jnana.

        This is Jnana-marg or Jnana-yoga (path of knowledge). This path is swift and thrilling. Without tremendous courage, sharp intelligence and indifference (vairagya) it is not possible to go ahead in this path. This knowledge is not subjected to intelligence, knowledge is only gets reflected in keen intelligence. Real knowledge and reflection of knowledge is not the same thing. It seems that I have come very close. Just before reaching the ocean, the river gets some waves. But without the grace of Guru it is not possible to move forward further. Because by using thoughts the mind gradually gets free from thoughts and reaches to the last single thought. The mind then becomes steady and still. After that, by the grace of Guru, truth is vouchsafed in the disciple’s mind. Realizing the truth, remembering the grace of Guru, the disciple becomes bewildered and benumbed in great astonishment.

        Bhagavan’s word – ‘Thought is verily the messenger of God’ and Swami Vivekananda’s word – ‘Even when you sleep, keep the sword of Vichara (discrimination) at the head of your bed’. That means I am the source itself of thoughts, so is to think the thoughts. Vichara means discriminating ‘Neti Neti’ (Not this, not this). In deep slumber I can remain happily without any feelings related to the body, so I am not the body. Demands of the mind are changing at every day, in every moment. Existence of mind is depending on my existence, so I am not also this ever changing mind. Am I the intelligence then? No, that is also not possible because intelligence is also changing. Intelligence is becoming sharper from sharp. By using intelligence I am discriminating. So intelligence is not also I. What about Chitta (faculties of the mind)? ‘Vichara proceeds on step by step’. At every step Chitta becomes more pure and holier than the previous step. ‘Innocent and holy mind gets the reflection of truth in no time’, said Swami Pavitranandaji. When Chitta is impure then the concept of truth becomes unclear and when Chitta is pure then the concept of truth becomes clear. Since Chitta is subjected to the qualities pure-impure or changeable, hence I am not Chitta also. I am one and unchangeable. Am I then the Ahamkara (ego)? Ahamkara means my form or I have become formed. As if the very small waves over the almost quiet ocean. Although ocean and waves are actually the same thing yet the egotist waves as if expresses my deviation from self. The most difficult task is to remove the ego, so He Himself then comes near and declares “From today onwards you won’t have any doubts, conflicts or else” by giving a hug of divine love. By the grace of Bhagavan when ego is also disappeared, only then it is the real establishment on self. My – becoming of I, or my – having found myself. It is realized – I indeed am I. My enquiring into myself ends and I become established in boundless infinity.